What I Accomplished

Ok, so I finally got up the nerve to take a few minutes and work.  One painting (the yellow) is a mixed-media that I am not sure is finished  yet.  The second is just an abstract of the overall gray of my feelings mixed with reds of frustration and blues of sadness and greens of inspiration.  At least I got something done.

The Struggle

This blog was originally supposed to be a journal of my struggle to regain my artistic side.  It has turned into a jumble of other kinds of posts, but today, I will speak on my struggle.   I have paints, canvasses, brushes, mixed-media supplies, beads, jewelry tools, oil pastels, sketch books, pencils, colored pencils, and watercolors.  I even have inspiration, which I jot down dutifully when it strikes in my iPhone notes section.  What I lack, is motivation.  I simply can't get myself to pick up a brush, a pencil, some wire for jewelry.  I have painted 3 paintings, but they were all done in March and April and since then, nothing.  I find myself staring blankly at the TV instead, or mindlessly looking out the window, or doing mundane housework.  I just feel....guilty about taking the time for myself to work on something I love.  It's the same with writing, my novel is 3/4 of the way done, which is great, but the only reason that gets done is that writing is one of my major forms of therapy.  I journal a lot and the writing is something that comes easily, naturally, where as the art---it's more of  a process.  I never know what the final outcome will be and I never know if I'll be happy with it.  I feel like it's so unworthy of people's attention, that it's insignificant and unimportant.  The thing is, when I actually do it, it feels good.  I feel alive and awake and inspired and connected.  I feel my emotions coming through the brush strokes and I feel that the image on the canvas can speak.  I just put my toddler down for a nap.  I have one painting, a mixed media, that needs finishing.  I'm nervous, I'm anxious, and I'm scared to go and pick it up.  But I'm going to try.