Just another day...

In my quest for creative freedom, I thought it might be helpful to share just what I'm up against.  Let's start with Tuesday night.  Cue 1 a.m. wake up of the 3 year old, with full on tantrum screaming in a night terror that lasted 20 minutes.  During this time, I have to hold him in full restraint from behind so that he does not bite and scratch the crap out of me.  I finally get him to bed when the toddler wakes up.  He had his vaccinations on Wednesday morning, so of course, he is going to wake up screaming with slight fever and extreme crankiness.  Around 5 a.m. I get them both back to bed.  Climb into bed myself.  Cue 6 a.m. wake up of my daughter who is getting ready for school.  Off she goes by 6:30.  I head back to bed for 2 hours while my mother-in-law (who I am grateful to for sleeping over) gets up with the babies.
Our new sitter starts today so that I can attend my writing group.  At writing group I am literally slurring my speech and feel like I am going to fall asleep in my latte.  Fight my way through, share some writing, give some feedback, and then I'm heading back to the house to relieve the sitter.  Toddler refused to nap for her, so I put him down for a shortened nap because I have to leave an hour after I get home to pick up my teenager from school early so that he can babysit so that I can take my daughter to a doctor's appointment.  A three year old who insists on running through the office jumping on chairs and a toddler who screams the entire time are my joy as I try to dismiss my eldest from school.  I leave, spewing apologies to the office staff, when my three year old tantrums in the foyer because the door with the handicapped button has already been pushed and we have to wait for it to close so that he can push the button himself.
Home again to get my teen settled with the babies, pound down 2 mugs of coffee and a 5 hour energy because I can't keep my eyes open, then off to the doctor with my daughter.  Nothing major wrong, just a slight virus, but she should stay home for the next day.
Wednesday night, bedtime.  Toddler goes down without a problem, but my threenager is repeatedly getting out of bed.  Trying to stick to the recommended system of walking him back to his bed, but have done it so much, I've already walked 1/2 mile in my own house, so I lay down with him until he falls asleep.  Quick bath because I deserve one and I haven't showered in two days, then off to bed.
Cue 2 a.m.  and I hear banging.  Said threenager is up, has turned on all the lights, and is cleaning his room and losing his shit because he can't make his bed "just right".  Convince him to come to my room to sleep, he brings with him a blanket and his now stripped off pajamas.  They must remain in a ball in between he and I in the bed and I mustn't touch them in anyway.  Try to fall asleep on 1/4 of a mattress and no pillow.
Next morning, doctor's appointment for me.  Waiting for the sitter, I happen to glance at Facebook and see I have a message.  She isn't going to make it, her daughter is sick.  It is now 25 minutes before my appointment that takes 20 minutes to get to.  Throw a diaper bag together, put jackets over the toddler and threenager's jammies, and put them in the car.  Last minute, remember to put stroller in the car.  Forgot the diaper bag.
Get to the doctor's office and it is literally the size of a closet.  No room for a stroller, though I jam it through the door anyway.  Cue toddler screaming that he wants out of the stroller.  Try to distract him with YouTube videos of trains.  9:15 appointment.  Get seen at 9:45.
Nurses insist on taking the babies and my daughter out of the room "so the doctor can concentrate".  I can hear them screaming down the hall the whole time.  Finish with the doctor, nurses bring the babies back.  My toddler is literally climbing up one woman as she tries to hold him, like trying to hold a feral cat.  I apologize profusely.  They feign understanding, but I can see "get the fuck out" in their eyes.
Driving home, my head is pounding and I am holding the steering wheel so tight my right hand goes numb.  Trying to practice my yoga breathing, but all I can think of for a mantra is "fuck".  Try to go Seinfeld with it and "serenity now" my way through.
Toddler falls asleep on the way home.  He's down for a nap now, and though I have told them repeatedly to stay downstairs, my threenager and daughter are having belly races down the stairs.  It's only a matter of time before they wake him up.  I've accomplished nothing today, save this blog, which I am writing so that I don't go insane.  I daydream of time management skills and setting boundaries as I down another cup of coffee.

An open letter to my older children.

Wow, I have really neglected you blog!  It's not because I have had nothing to say, but I have been living life.  Being present every day does kind of conflict with staring at a computer screen, but I do want to revive you, dear friend.

I couldn't sleep tonight.  There has been a lot of tension in the house.  My normally docile children have become ravenous creatures of "what is right" and I feel at a loss as to what to do.  I crave harmony.  Of course, as a Mom to five kids, that is often an ideal that we have to do without, but I feel that not to try is not an option.  

****Side note:  I figured that, at a quarter-to-midnight, I was safe to write, but baby Torrin just woke up and needed to nurse****

At any rate, I am better and writing what I want to say than actually speaking it, so I figured that I would write a letter to those soon-to-be-tweenage kids of mine (although Triston is soon to be a teenager...yikes!).  This is the result.  Enjoy!

Dear Triston, Barrett, and Sage:

We have been through a lot together.  From my "first time mom" jitters with a newborn and all those sleepless nights, to potty training and terrible twos, raising a daughter after two sons, and finally starting all over again with two new babies these past few years.  As you all in "the first batch" have gotten older, some things have gotten easier, while some things just have not.  I have tried my best to raise you to be individuals, to nurture your interests, and support you when you struggle.  You are all so talented and so smart!  I am proud of you all, not only for your intellect and abilities, but also for your innate compassion and concern for those around you.  

But kids, I am saddened by how much FIGHTING is going on lately.  Fighting between you and your siblings and fighting between all of you and me.  I know that you are all approaching the "tween and teen years"--Dear Sage, although you're only nine, you challenge me better than I challenged my mom at thirteen!  I know that we have a long road ahead of us.  That road must be built on love and forged with trust.  I want to walk down our future road together united in the purpose of building strong family ties and lasting bonds.

That said, I know that things as they are aren't working.  I end up yelling.  A lot.  And loudly.  I say things that I shouldn't say and I know that you say things that you regret as well.  I think that maybe if we can all remember that this is our first go-round, we can forgive and learn and move on.  You all know that I love lists, and charts, and organizing things.  How many Chore Charts have we gone through?!  Well, here is one more list made with love.  I hope that you like it.

10 Things to Remember when dealing with your Mom

1.  This IS my first rodeo.  I may have taught children your age and baby-sat children your age, but I've never been so whole-heartedly invested in another child the way that I am with you.  

2.  I want things to go well for you.  I am not trying to make your life difficult, but sometimes the "path of least resistance" is the path not worth taking.

3.  I do know best.  I have been your age.  I have lived thirty-something years on this earth and in that time, have learned a thing or two.  Bennefit from my knowledge.

4.  I understand.  I was a kid, a tween, a teen.  I hated my teachers and my parents and felt like nobody understood what I was going through.  I felt alone.  I constantly thought the end of the world was just around the corner because of rumors and lies, or a friendship that ended, or something that I had said.  And while i didn't have to deal with "social media" and how nothing ever leaves the internet, I think we have forgotten that people rarely forget as well.  Just do your best and be kind.  That's all I ask.

5.  I want to be friends with you all when we are adults, but right now I have to be your parent.  That means that I will have to say no and do things that you think are unfair.  Know that it all comes from a place of love.

6.  I assign you chores to build character.  I want you to have a strong work ethic and a sense of responsibility.  I am not asking you to chip in around the house because 'I am lazy'.  I am asking you to do so because I don't want you to be.

7.  I constantly struggle between treating you like you should be treated for a child your age and treating you like the sweet-smelling, smiling, bundle-of-a-baby that I will always see you as in my heart.  Sometimes I am overprotective.  It is what it is.

8.  It is my job to prepare you for the world.  That means, as much as I want to hold you close and protect you forever, I know that eventually you will have to take those first steps outside the nest and make it on your own.  I want you to be ready for that day, but I also want to rail against it's arrival with every last fiber of my being.  Be patient with me.  

9.  I want you to question my rules.  I know that I am not always right.  I know that I make mistakes.  I don't think you should blindly follow anything, but at the same time, there are always other things to consider.  While I may not always be right, I might be right, right now.  Sometimes that has to be enough.

10.  I may try to be fair, but life isn't always fair.  Take your time with me and practice learning that at home.  It saves a lot of time and heartache in the real world.  Even though things may not always work out the way you want, and good doesn't always triumph over evil, you will always have your Mom in your corner.  Some days, that's all that matters.