Thanksgiving 2012

Well, the holiday season is officially upon us.  This Thanksgiving was a momentous occasion for our family this year...the first holiday spent in our new home in North Carolina, many miles away from the friends and family that I grew up with.  I can't say that a wistful sigh didn't pass my lips as I busied myself in the kitchen, thinking with a tingle of longing that last year at this time the kids were running, creating havoc with their cousins, with Todd and his brothers talking shop and soccer in the living room and their wives helping me in the kitchen.  This year, I stood alone in my kitchen, whipping up Thanksgiving delights, with only my ipod and the occasional interruption from River to keep me company.  But this holiday was not sad.  Not in the least.  We started to create new memories, new traditions, that I hope will last in the years to come.  The kids and I started a "Thankful" book, where they each had a piece of paper and wrote down what they were thankful for this year.  We will do this each year from now on and I am going to compile them into a book.  It's amazing what they thought of.  There was the usual, being thankful for toys and electronics...but some surprising things too, like family, our country, our soldiers, and life itself.  I'm sure it will be fun to look back on these in years to come.  River enjoyed his own version of Thanksgiving dinner...an organic turkey and squash dinner that Daddy found last night at the store with peaches for dessert.  As I looked around the table today, I couldn't help but think that next year Triston will be in middle school, and River will be a year and a half, and everything will be so different.  But my goal is to stay in the moment, and enjoy the now.  We ended dinner with a family soccer game...the kids beat Todd and I with a score of 8 to 6...they were excited!  So, while we definitely missed our family and loved ones, we know that despite the miles, the love is still there.  I am thankful for our family and the love we have for one another...love that lead to one last "festivus" miracle today in the renewal of a family relationship that had been terribly strained.  When you least expect it, life throws you a new and wonderful turn, and if you're smart, you go with it.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone. 

I can't believe my little Barrett is 9 years old!  How quickly the years have passed!   It was only yesterday that we brought you home from the hospital, taking your picture next to the turkey breast we were having for Thanksgiving, because you were just as small and plump.  You are such a smart and amazing boy.  I can't believe what a terrific soccer player you are!  Your Dad and I are so proud of you and all you do.  You are also such an incredible artist, and your thoughtfulness touches my heart every day.  Enjoy this last year as a "single digit", enjoy the wonder and magic that still surround you.  Have a wonderful  birthday and a wonderful year celebrating all of your new accomplishments.  I love you so much! 
Love,
Mom

Dear Todd,

I always knew I was going to marry you...when I was little I named my dog Todd because I knew that was going to be the name of the prince that was going to marry me and take me away forever and make me the happiest girl on earth.  Through my awkward teen years and my turbulent twenties, I never lost hope that I would find you...while ours was surely not a fairytale meeting (drunk off our asses at the world's cheesiest night club), it was meant to be.  I truly believe there are no coincidences.  We were both there by chance that night and I almost lost your number in the parking lot.  Then there was Rob answering the phone and me being over an hour late to our first date.  Persistence has been the theme of our relationship and I believe it keeps us going.  We want to believe in each other.  We do believe in each other.  Each time an obstacle comes our way, we take each others hands and bravely face the dragon head on.  In eleven years we have had four children, moved five times, lived with family, gone through jobs, friends, and pets.  Each time a problem pops up, you are the first person that I run to because I know that with you by my side, I can face anything.  I love raising our children with you, I love the life that we have together, and most of all, I love you.  You are my sun and moon and stars, you make my life beautiful.  I have always loved you, and I always will.  Happy Eleventh Anniversary!

Family Dynamics

                                                                
Family is a fickle entity, you can never predict what relationships will thrive and which will unravel.  This past year saw an end to some of my familial relationships and a new beginning with others.  I always wanted to have a big family, envying those commercials of  big families around the holiday dinner table.  I wanted my kids to have oodles of cousins and those great aunts that kiss you on the cheek with their bright red lipstick while knocking you out with their overwhelming perfume.  But circumstances have dictated otherwise, and Todd and I are soon to find ourselves alone in Charlotte.  At first I was really upset, but the more that I think about it, the more OK I am.  I am simply going to build, from the ground up, the type of family I always wanted to have.  Todd and I already have a strong relationship with our children (so I'm really hoping we don't get the "nursing home" treatment...) and my marriage is equally strong.  I have a strong sense of tradition and we already have lots of little traditions concerning the holidays that the kids all look forward to.  While I was extremely sad to learn that our treasured Christmas decorations were lost in the move, I have decided to look forward to a wonderful time creating new memories and new keepsakes with the kids.  I'm looking forward and seeing our family grow and having the kids celebrate holidays with their wives and husbands with Todd and I, all together, just like the commercials.  And that thought comforts me.

Baby Zen #2: Smiles can work Miracles.

Battling post-partum emotions isn't exactly a cake walk, especially when those emotions are compounded by bipolar disorder.  My moods have been shifting so erratically that I can hardly keep up with my own mind.  One thing that amazes me though, is how River is so incredibly in tune with what I'm feeling.  I don't know if it's the breastfeeding or just how much time we spend together, but whenever I am feeling hopeless or lost he seems to recognize that and smothers me with extra big smiles and happy coos.  No matter how bad I am feeling, there's something about that two-tooth grin that lifts me up from my darkest moments.  Baby Zen #2:  Smiles can work miracles.

To Sage on the Eve of her Seventh Birthday...

Dear Sage,
When you wake up in the morning you will be my big 7 year old girl!  It's amazing how quickly time has flown by...just yesterday I was holding you on my hip, you with your fountain in your hair and that cute little pout.  You are growing into such a character!  You sing and dance for me and make me laugh with your corny jokes.  You are such a great reader and you do so well in school!  All of the teachers love you and you are starting to make friends in our new home in NC.  I am nervous about throwing your first birthday here in our new home...I want it to go perfectly for you!  I want you to know that no matter what the year ahead holds for us, that your Dad and I are so proud of you and we couldn't be happier to have you as our daughter.  You are a star, sweetheart...I love to watch you shine!
Love,
Mom and Dad

I've always found September to be kind of a cathartic month.  The start of Autumn.  The start of school.  Saying good-bye to seemingly endless summers and another year of childhood.  This year seems especially poignant.  River turned 4 months yesterday and I already find myself mourning his babyhood.  He's not my little newborn anymore, all small and wrinkled and old-man like.  He's blossoming into infant-hood and has a personality all his own.  I sometimes feel overwhelmed by all of the things I promised myself I would do this time around...send out official welcoming announcements, preserve his footprint in plaster, document every day of his life with a journal or photo.   Lately, it's all that I can do to make sure that everyone is clean and fed by the end of the day!  Sage is also going to first grade and is no longer my "baby".   First grade is the start of homework and spelling and math and a classroom with desks and no longer tables and play centers.  Barrett and Triston are getting older too, this is Triston's last year of elementary school.  He'll be off to middle school next year and is already planning on riding his bike and going to the store on his own.  This is probably the last year that all of the kids will believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.  Somehow, I just never figured this would happen.  I watched other families grow and their children get older, but somehow I always thought in the back of my mind that my kids would stay...little.   With summer coming to a close, I guess I'm just feeling overly sentimental over everything.  I just want to hold onto them with all of my mama-power and keep them snuggled and innocent and small.  River, don't grow up too fast.  I'm just not ready yet.