Parenting, Real World Style

Welcome to "Real World Charlotte, NC"

This is the true story... of seven family members... picked to live in a house...work together and have their lives blogged... to find out what happens... when parents stop being pushovers... and start getting real...The Real World.

The above is (basically) the tag line from the original Real World. The one with Eric and Julie and the no-frills jobs and apartment, where the focus was on learning to live, not "how many people can fuck in the hot tub at one time while doing Jell-O shots". 

That said, Hubby and I were reminiscing about our childhoods, the good old 90s, and how we have such awesome work ethic compared to those kids of ours who "have it so easy" ( insert "I walked uphill in the snow both ways to school" joke here). 

After one particularly vicious eye-rolling and curse muttering show down over chores and responsibilities with our brood, we decided that, in our family of 5 kids (two of whom will be entering teenager hood shortly), things needed to change.  So, here goes:

First episode:  Chores No More

I am done with paying my kids for every chore they do around the house. I am also done with sticker charts, reward incentives, and bending over backwards to ensure that their fragile little egos are bubble wrapped in positivity no matter what the cost. I am done reading and re-reading parenting books and blogs and twitter feeds just so I can figure out why my moody 9 year old is upset that I wouldn't drive her to the mall and how I am failing to see the repucussions of denying her need to express herself via my credit card. I'm done listening to my boys complain every time I ask them to take out the trash, even though that has been their assigned and PAID chore every week for a year. I'm not even 40 and I'm burnt out on this parenting gig. I am a trained behaviorist, and it pains me to say this, but I think that by over analyzing and over compensating for every possible outcome in my kids' behavioral repertoire, I am ruining their chances of surviving in the real world. What I have learned, is that kids are HUMAN and all humans react differently, even to the same stimuli. That's why, you can have 2 kids with strict parents and one turns out to be a successful community minded citizen, and the other a crime statistic. Same thing can be said of parents that don't give their kids any boundaries. One kid will turn out fine, while the other remains in "arrested development". 

My kids ARE good kids and I am proud of them.  They get good grades, they are (mostly) respectful and age-appropriately responsible. And my husband and I are good parents. We try to set boundaries and stick by them. Sometimes we let the kids have too much freedom, but we are always trying to steer them towards being good citizens. The problem?  Between the over use of behavior incentive programs at school and sticker charts and reward systems at home, they are losing the ability to do things simply because they should, or they have to, or because it FEELS GOOD to do well. I'm finding that there is an expectation attatched to every action, a mind set of "Ok, I did that...now what did I earn."   I was finding that my "suggestions" (go read a book, watch your brother, clean your room) were being met with " how much will you pay me" and "what will I get if I do that". Not that I don't want to encourage a little good old fashioned entrepreneurship, but enough is enough. 

So, hubby and I decided we were going to kick it old school.  Chores will be done because they have to be done. Because we pay your bills, because we are a family, because people do things to help eachother in civilized society. Grades will be achieved because it FEELS GOOD to do well, not because you get $5 for each "A".  You will perform a technology-free activity because it's fun. 

Now, breaking the behavior-incentive mindset isn't going to be easy. My kids have been goal-oriented their whole lives. Go potty, you get a sticker (goal attained). Get straight on honor roll, you get cash (goal attained). And goals aren't bad, not at all. I just want to bring back the INTRINSIC need to do well. I really feel that that is a major problem right now in society. Too many are "in it to win it"-- if they aren't getting a prize, it's not worth their time. Where does that leave us?  How then do we fill the needs for volunteers, for helping the less fortunate, for chipping in when times are tough?  How do we create communities if we are all looking out for ourselves as individuals?  I'm not saying conformity, I'm saying community. I think it's time we move to the community mind set. 

Welcome to ours.