Live, Learn, Parent

I've seen first hand the destructive power of over-parenting, of micro-managing.  I've worked with people who can't function without somebody constantly rewarding and celebrating their EVERY move.  I've gone to school with people who couldn't choose a meal plan, let a lone a major, or a friend, without first checking in with Mommy or Daddy.   I have had friends who have been reduced to infants in early adulthood because their parents simply COULDN'T LET THEM MAKE A MISTAKE.  That used to be the exception, now it seems to be the rule.

Life is hard.  A friend recently said it best:

"Dealing with douchebags means you just gotta smile and be diplomatic...be the bigger person.  It's tough sometimes."

I think we have forgotten how to deal with being a society of diverse individuals and we are seriously impairing our children from having the ability to socialize and moderate their own emotions at all.  I am not a perfect parent, I don't strive to be.  It's the mistakes and how you handle them that shape who you are.  This is not meant to be a post on "How to Parent", merely an observation that I feel is long overdue.  First, let me throw this out there so that there is no question that I understand the struggles of being "different":  I suffer from mental illness.  A major one.  I've known dark places, and I've almost drowned in them.  I know the intimacies and realities of suicide.  I know how deeply words can hurt.  Part of my illness is extreme social anxiety.  As a child, it was debilitating.  But, just like everyone else, I had to learn how to make friends.  Just like everyone else, I had to deal with bullying, with difficult teachers, with making bad decisions like not doing my homework and skipping class.  But that was the point.  I had to deal with the consequences.  I had to interact with other human beings.  I had to learn to take shit and give shit when shit was necessary.  Dealing with things or people that are unpleasant sucks.  NOBODY enjoys it.  But that is the stuff that makes you stronger.

Technology is great.  It has helped our society in a lot of ways.  But in a lot of ways, it's hurting us.  Social media is replacing our need to connect with individuals on a human level.  To see the pain behind someone's eyes when they are telling you their feelings.  To watch their body language.  To take in someone's feelings and words and have them effect you in a wave of blinding emotion.  To know what to do with your eyes, your body, your words when someone in front of you is celebrating or suffering.  And the policing of social media is even worse.  I understand that bullyling is a problem.  IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN.  But having parents and schools press charges against children who are MAKING MISTAKES isn't going to solve anything.  Having an arrest record for the rest of your life because of a tweet you sent in middle school seems ridiculous to me.  We all make mistakes.  We are missing out on opportunities to have conversations, to teach coping skills, to model empathy, to teach our children to embrace their individuality and celebrate their diversity.  All of these adults swooping in and "saving" these kids that are being targeted from having to resolve issues with bullies is stunting them emotionally and giving all of the power to the bullies.  I have had a child who has experienced bullying.  I know the pain of watching your child hurt.  I did contact the school and keep records of the incidents, especially when it got physical.  But what I did more was TALK TO MY CHILD.  We discussed ways that they could deal with the bullying.  Things they could say.  Things that they could do.  We even had FUN coming up with come-backs and counter-insults.  The school's initial reaction was to "protect" my child by removing them from the situation entirely, yet leave the bullly in place to continue on.  That was unacceptable.  I empowered my child instead.  I helped my child learn to stand up for themself.  Dealing with that bullying was hard, it tore my heart out and pushed my limits as a Mom to not go out and turn "Mama Bear" on everyone involved.  It was hard.  Life is hard.  You have to go through the darkness to see the light.

We have to start letting our kids make mistakes.  My previous post about managing my children's social media lives is a perfect example.  I hate that I have to do it, but given all of the cyberbullying policies and arrests being made I felt that it was my only choice.  Still is.  And my kids are GOOD KIDS.  But, social media is permanent.  The things you post won't ever go away.  "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me" isn't the rule anymore.  Words can hurt.  Pictures can hurt.  Permanently.  Given that, I will continue to police what my children post, only to ensure that their future lives and chances (college, job), arent' ruined by something essentially childish and stupid.  What has come out of that is not resentment, but CONVERSATION.  Recently one of my kids was in a group chat where one "friend" was bullying a true friend.  My child came to me to ask about what they were planning to post BEFORE they posted it.  That brought us to a conversation about the topic of the bullying, about sticking up for your friends, about how to deal with a  bully (in this day and age), without condeming yourself on social media. 

I encourage my children to talk with their friends.  To be present with them.  To have actual conversations and not just tweet or chat or video chat on their phones.  Friendship is supposed to be the battleground for growing up.  Your friends are supposed to be able to tell you that an outfit is too revealing without it becoming "slut shaming".  Your friends are supposed to be the people that you tell secrets to, bounce ideas off of, cut loose with.  You're supposed to learn how to disagree with your friends.  How to handle conflict. It's all part of becoming who you are, of developing your personality, of creating your individuality.  If we as parents (and especially as schools) are going to over-parent these kids, what are we going to create?  For a preview, just look at what is going on in society around us.  It will get worse.  Unfortunately, we already have a generation out there that cannot even get their period without posting it on the internet for everyone to admire and tell them how incredibly talented and important they are.  Your validation needs to come from within.  Wanting to get good grades, make good decisions, be a good fricken person, that all comes from within.  Some people are going to like you.  Some people will not.  Life is knowing how to deal with both outcomes.

Parenting, Real World Style

Welcome to "Real World Charlotte, NC"

This is the true story... of seven family members... picked to live in a house...work together and have their lives blogged... to find out what happens... when parents stop being pushovers... and start getting real...The Real World.

The above is (basically) the tag line from the original Real World. The one with Eric and Julie and the no-frills jobs and apartment, where the focus was on learning to live, not "how many people can fuck in the hot tub at one time while doing Jell-O shots". 

That said, Hubby and I were reminiscing about our childhoods, the good old 90s, and how we have such awesome work ethic compared to those kids of ours who "have it so easy" ( insert "I walked uphill in the snow both ways to school" joke here). 

After one particularly vicious eye-rolling and curse muttering show down over chores and responsibilities with our brood, we decided that, in our family of 5 kids (two of whom will be entering teenager hood shortly), things needed to change.  So, here goes:

First episode:  Chores No More

I am done with paying my kids for every chore they do around the house. I am also done with sticker charts, reward incentives, and bending over backwards to ensure that their fragile little egos are bubble wrapped in positivity no matter what the cost. I am done reading and re-reading parenting books and blogs and twitter feeds just so I can figure out why my moody 9 year old is upset that I wouldn't drive her to the mall and how I am failing to see the repucussions of denying her need to express herself via my credit card. I'm done listening to my boys complain every time I ask them to take out the trash, even though that has been their assigned and PAID chore every week for a year. I'm not even 40 and I'm burnt out on this parenting gig. I am a trained behaviorist, and it pains me to say this, but I think that by over analyzing and over compensating for every possible outcome in my kids' behavioral repertoire, I am ruining their chances of surviving in the real world. What I have learned, is that kids are HUMAN and all humans react differently, even to the same stimuli. That's why, you can have 2 kids with strict parents and one turns out to be a successful community minded citizen, and the other a crime statistic. Same thing can be said of parents that don't give their kids any boundaries. One kid will turn out fine, while the other remains in "arrested development". 

My kids ARE good kids and I am proud of them.  They get good grades, they are (mostly) respectful and age-appropriately responsible. And my husband and I are good parents. We try to set boundaries and stick by them. Sometimes we let the kids have too much freedom, but we are always trying to steer them towards being good citizens. The problem?  Between the over use of behavior incentive programs at school and sticker charts and reward systems at home, they are losing the ability to do things simply because they should, or they have to, or because it FEELS GOOD to do well. I'm finding that there is an expectation attatched to every action, a mind set of "Ok, I did that...now what did I earn."   I was finding that my "suggestions" (go read a book, watch your brother, clean your room) were being met with " how much will you pay me" and "what will I get if I do that". Not that I don't want to encourage a little good old fashioned entrepreneurship, but enough is enough. 

So, hubby and I decided we were going to kick it old school.  Chores will be done because they have to be done. Because we pay your bills, because we are a family, because people do things to help eachother in civilized society. Grades will be achieved because it FEELS GOOD to do well, not because you get $5 for each "A".  You will perform a technology-free activity because it's fun. 

Now, breaking the behavior-incentive mindset isn't going to be easy. My kids have been goal-oriented their whole lives. Go potty, you get a sticker (goal attained). Get straight on honor roll, you get cash (goal attained). And goals aren't bad, not at all. I just want to bring back the INTRINSIC need to do well. I really feel that that is a major problem right now in society. Too many are "in it to win it"-- if they aren't getting a prize, it's not worth their time. Where does that leave us?  How then do we fill the needs for volunteers, for helping the less fortunate, for chipping in when times are tough?  How do we create communities if we are all looking out for ourselves as individuals?  I'm not saying conformity, I'm saying community. I think it's time we move to the community mind set. 

Welcome to ours.