Reviving "Five Ways"

"Sometimes you put walls up, not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to knock them down"
-Socrates

Social Media is supposed to bring people together, but how often do you really connect with somebody online?  Our communication has been broken down into "like" and "dislike" buttons, short acronyms, emoji's, and one line responses.  How often do we mindfully attend to those around us?  To our social circles online?  How often do we come away from reading our updates feeling full-filled?

We have witnessed many stories over this year of violence and unrest because people feel they are not being heard.  They feel alone, angry.  They turn to violence because it is the only outlet that receives attention.  Occasionally though, there is that one story.  The one person who stopped a chain of horrific events with one act of bravery.  The one person who prevented a suicide with a simple act of kindness.  Lives can be changed.  Because of one person.

That moment when you connect with another human being can alter your thinking and change the course of your life.  When it looks as though there is nothing left to live for, when the future looks bleak, a smile, a wave, a friendly glance can repair a soul and feed a starving heart.

Taking a moment to be present in your life can have a ripple effect.  Your kindness leads to another kindness and another until there are waves of kindness sweeping the nation.  We all want to be heard. We all want to be recognized.  We all want to know that we matter.  To someone.

Last year around this time I tried a little experiment called "Five Ways".  I asked friends on Facebook to choose 5 people to private message.  Five people that they hadn't spoken to in a while, or maybe had recently had a falling out with.  I asked that in that message, tell the person in a short letter five ways that that they have had an impact on your life.  Anything from them having shared the best recipe for sugar cookies to having cheered you up with a funny meme when they thought you were having a bad day.  I think that today is a great day to bring that back.  Let's focus on what's really important:  those people that touch our lives.  This year I would like to dedicate the "Five Ways" campaign to my dear friend and former student, Peter Benn.  Peter taught me to slow down and appreciate the simpler things in life:  holding hands, laughing, singing, snuggling, and how important it is to know that you can always "lean on those you love".  Please take a moment and join me in this endeavor.  Scroll through your email lists or your phone contacts or your FB friends and chose five people to reach out to.  Tell each person five ways that they have touched your life, helped shape who you are, or how they may have helped you without even knowing it.  It only takes a moment and it could mean the world to somebody.  Many people fight silent battles every day, battles that nobody around them knows they are fighting.  A kind word from a friend, even if you haven't spoken in years, can be just the thing that turns their lives around.  If you know about hashtags, you can re-post this with the hashtag #fiveways.

Live, Learn, Parent

I've seen first hand the destructive power of over-parenting, of micro-managing.  I've worked with people who can't function without somebody constantly rewarding and celebrating their EVERY move.  I've gone to school with people who couldn't choose a meal plan, let a lone a major, or a friend, without first checking in with Mommy or Daddy.   I have had friends who have been reduced to infants in early adulthood because their parents simply COULDN'T LET THEM MAKE A MISTAKE.  That used to be the exception, now it seems to be the rule.

Life is hard.  A friend recently said it best:

"Dealing with douchebags means you just gotta smile and be diplomatic...be the bigger person.  It's tough sometimes."

I think we have forgotten how to deal with being a society of diverse individuals and we are seriously impairing our children from having the ability to socialize and moderate their own emotions at all.  I am not a perfect parent, I don't strive to be.  It's the mistakes and how you handle them that shape who you are.  This is not meant to be a post on "How to Parent", merely an observation that I feel is long overdue.  First, let me throw this out there so that there is no question that I understand the struggles of being "different":  I suffer from mental illness.  A major one.  I've known dark places, and I've almost drowned in them.  I know the intimacies and realities of suicide.  I know how deeply words can hurt.  Part of my illness is extreme social anxiety.  As a child, it was debilitating.  But, just like everyone else, I had to learn how to make friends.  Just like everyone else, I had to deal with bullying, with difficult teachers, with making bad decisions like not doing my homework and skipping class.  But that was the point.  I had to deal with the consequences.  I had to interact with other human beings.  I had to learn to take shit and give shit when shit was necessary.  Dealing with things or people that are unpleasant sucks.  NOBODY enjoys it.  But that is the stuff that makes you stronger.

Technology is great.  It has helped our society in a lot of ways.  But in a lot of ways, it's hurting us.  Social media is replacing our need to connect with individuals on a human level.  To see the pain behind someone's eyes when they are telling you their feelings.  To watch their body language.  To take in someone's feelings and words and have them effect you in a wave of blinding emotion.  To know what to do with your eyes, your body, your words when someone in front of you is celebrating or suffering.  And the policing of social media is even worse.  I understand that bullyling is a problem.  IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN.  But having parents and schools press charges against children who are MAKING MISTAKES isn't going to solve anything.  Having an arrest record for the rest of your life because of a tweet you sent in middle school seems ridiculous to me.  We all make mistakes.  We are missing out on opportunities to have conversations, to teach coping skills, to model empathy, to teach our children to embrace their individuality and celebrate their diversity.  All of these adults swooping in and "saving" these kids that are being targeted from having to resolve issues with bullies is stunting them emotionally and giving all of the power to the bullies.  I have had a child who has experienced bullying.  I know the pain of watching your child hurt.  I did contact the school and keep records of the incidents, especially when it got physical.  But what I did more was TALK TO MY CHILD.  We discussed ways that they could deal with the bullying.  Things they could say.  Things that they could do.  We even had FUN coming up with come-backs and counter-insults.  The school's initial reaction was to "protect" my child by removing them from the situation entirely, yet leave the bullly in place to continue on.  That was unacceptable.  I empowered my child instead.  I helped my child learn to stand up for themself.  Dealing with that bullying was hard, it tore my heart out and pushed my limits as a Mom to not go out and turn "Mama Bear" on everyone involved.  It was hard.  Life is hard.  You have to go through the darkness to see the light.

We have to start letting our kids make mistakes.  My previous post about managing my children's social media lives is a perfect example.  I hate that I have to do it, but given all of the cyberbullying policies and arrests being made I felt that it was my only choice.  Still is.  And my kids are GOOD KIDS.  But, social media is permanent.  The things you post won't ever go away.  "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me" isn't the rule anymore.  Words can hurt.  Pictures can hurt.  Permanently.  Given that, I will continue to police what my children post, only to ensure that their future lives and chances (college, job), arent' ruined by something essentially childish and stupid.  What has come out of that is not resentment, but CONVERSATION.  Recently one of my kids was in a group chat where one "friend" was bullying a true friend.  My child came to me to ask about what they were planning to post BEFORE they posted it.  That brought us to a conversation about the topic of the bullying, about sticking up for your friends, about how to deal with a  bully (in this day and age), without condeming yourself on social media. 

I encourage my children to talk with their friends.  To be present with them.  To have actual conversations and not just tweet or chat or video chat on their phones.  Friendship is supposed to be the battleground for growing up.  Your friends are supposed to be able to tell you that an outfit is too revealing without it becoming "slut shaming".  Your friends are supposed to be the people that you tell secrets to, bounce ideas off of, cut loose with.  You're supposed to learn how to disagree with your friends.  How to handle conflict. It's all part of becoming who you are, of developing your personality, of creating your individuality.  If we as parents (and especially as schools) are going to over-parent these kids, what are we going to create?  For a preview, just look at what is going on in society around us.  It will get worse.  Unfortunately, we already have a generation out there that cannot even get their period without posting it on the internet for everyone to admire and tell them how incredibly talented and important they are.  Your validation needs to come from within.  Wanting to get good grades, make good decisions, be a good fricken person, that all comes from within.  Some people are going to like you.  Some people will not.  Life is knowing how to deal with both outcomes.