Parenting, Real World Style

Welcome to "Real World Charlotte, NC"

This is the true story... of seven family members... picked to live in a house...work together and have their lives blogged... to find out what happens... when parents stop being pushovers... and start getting real...The Real World.

The above is (basically) the tag line from the original Real World. The one with Eric and Julie and the no-frills jobs and apartment, where the focus was on learning to live, not "how many people can fuck in the hot tub at one time while doing Jell-O shots". 

That said, Hubby and I were reminiscing about our childhoods, the good old 90s, and how we have such awesome work ethic compared to those kids of ours who "have it so easy" ( insert "I walked uphill in the snow both ways to school" joke here). 

After one particularly vicious eye-rolling and curse muttering show down over chores and responsibilities with our brood, we decided that, in our family of 5 kids (two of whom will be entering teenager hood shortly), things needed to change.  So, here goes:

First episode:  Chores No More

I am done with paying my kids for every chore they do around the house. I am also done with sticker charts, reward incentives, and bending over backwards to ensure that their fragile little egos are bubble wrapped in positivity no matter what the cost. I am done reading and re-reading parenting books and blogs and twitter feeds just so I can figure out why my moody 9 year old is upset that I wouldn't drive her to the mall and how I am failing to see the repucussions of denying her need to express herself via my credit card. I'm done listening to my boys complain every time I ask them to take out the trash, even though that has been their assigned and PAID chore every week for a year. I'm not even 40 and I'm burnt out on this parenting gig. I am a trained behaviorist, and it pains me to say this, but I think that by over analyzing and over compensating for every possible outcome in my kids' behavioral repertoire, I am ruining their chances of surviving in the real world. What I have learned, is that kids are HUMAN and all humans react differently, even to the same stimuli. That's why, you can have 2 kids with strict parents and one turns out to be a successful community minded citizen, and the other a crime statistic. Same thing can be said of parents that don't give their kids any boundaries. One kid will turn out fine, while the other remains in "arrested development". 

My kids ARE good kids and I am proud of them.  They get good grades, they are (mostly) respectful and age-appropriately responsible. And my husband and I are good parents. We try to set boundaries and stick by them. Sometimes we let the kids have too much freedom, but we are always trying to steer them towards being good citizens. The problem?  Between the over use of behavior incentive programs at school and sticker charts and reward systems at home, they are losing the ability to do things simply because they should, or they have to, or because it FEELS GOOD to do well. I'm finding that there is an expectation attatched to every action, a mind set of "Ok, I did that...now what did I earn."   I was finding that my "suggestions" (go read a book, watch your brother, clean your room) were being met with " how much will you pay me" and "what will I get if I do that". Not that I don't want to encourage a little good old fashioned entrepreneurship, but enough is enough. 

So, hubby and I decided we were going to kick it old school.  Chores will be done because they have to be done. Because we pay your bills, because we are a family, because people do things to help eachother in civilized society. Grades will be achieved because it FEELS GOOD to do well, not because you get $5 for each "A".  You will perform a technology-free activity because it's fun. 

Now, breaking the behavior-incentive mindset isn't going to be easy. My kids have been goal-oriented their whole lives. Go potty, you get a sticker (goal attained). Get straight on honor roll, you get cash (goal attained). And goals aren't bad, not at all. I just want to bring back the INTRINSIC need to do well. I really feel that that is a major problem right now in society. Too many are "in it to win it"-- if they aren't getting a prize, it's not worth their time. Where does that leave us?  How then do we fill the needs for volunteers, for helping the less fortunate, for chipping in when times are tough?  How do we create communities if we are all looking out for ourselves as individuals?  I'm not saying conformity, I'm saying community. I think it's time we move to the community mind set. 

Welcome to ours. 

Five Minute Fix

Ok, I had a little more than 5 minutes, but between nursing the baby, entertaining the toddler, and doing laundry, the actual mixing time amounted to little more than that.  It's a cool, gray, Autumn morning here in NC and I was craving pumpkin muffins.  I scanned my Pinterest recipes and found that the easiest one would take more coordination than I had this morning, so I opted for a simple chocolate chip cookie recipe instead.  It's one that I have been tweaking over the last few years in my efforts to make recipes that the whole family can enjoy (including my 12 year old who has Celiac Disease).  Here goes:

The Good-For-You (and almost anyone) Chocolate Chip Cookie

2 cups "flour" (I use gluten-free oats that I grind into flour in my coffee grinder.  You can use white flour, wheat flour, pretty much whatever flour you like.)

1 cup "nut butter" (again, my favorite is peanut butter, but any nut butter will do...just if you use natural you will have to add 1/4 c of oil or applesauce)

2 eggs

1 tsp baking powder

1 tsp vanilla

1 tsp cinnamon (if you are using applesauce for your natural nut butter, just use cinnamon applesauce)

1/4 cup ground flaxseed (again, I do this in my coffee grinder)

1 cup dark chocolate chips (or vanilla, or regular chocolate, or whatever your fancy)

1/2 cup brown sugar

1/4 to 1/2 cup natural cane sugar (depending on how sweet you like your cookies)

3/4 cup whole oats

1/4 cup chopped nuts

Mix all of the above together either by hand or a mixer.  If I have time, I carefully beat the nut butter and sugar until creamy then add the eggs.  On hectic days, it all goes in the mixer pretty much at once.  Once blended, you can add even more mix-ins:

Mix-Ins:  raisins, dried cherries, dried apples, almonds, walnuts, peanuts, listen to your taste buds and be creative!

Mix-Ins do make for heavier cookies, so bake times may vary.   Bake for 10-14 minutes at 350 degrees.  Cool 1 minute on cookie sheet then transfer to wire rack to cool completely.  Parchment paper goes a long way towards keeping your cookies moist and evenly cooked.  Enjoy!

An open letter to my older children.

Wow, I have really neglected you blog!  It's not because I have had nothing to say, but I have been living life.  Being present every day does kind of conflict with staring at a computer screen, but I do want to revive you, dear friend.

I couldn't sleep tonight.  There has been a lot of tension in the house.  My normally docile children have become ravenous creatures of "what is right" and I feel at a loss as to what to do.  I crave harmony.  Of course, as a Mom to five kids, that is often an ideal that we have to do without, but I feel that not to try is not an option.  

****Side note:  I figured that, at a quarter-to-midnight, I was safe to write, but baby Torrin just woke up and needed to nurse****

At any rate, I am better and writing what I want to say than actually speaking it, so I figured that I would write a letter to those soon-to-be-tweenage kids of mine (although Triston is soon to be a teenager...yikes!).  This is the result.  Enjoy!

Dear Triston, Barrett, and Sage:

We have been through a lot together.  From my "first time mom" jitters with a newborn and all those sleepless nights, to potty training and terrible twos, raising a daughter after two sons, and finally starting all over again with two new babies these past few years.  As you all in "the first batch" have gotten older, some things have gotten easier, while some things just have not.  I have tried my best to raise you to be individuals, to nurture your interests, and support you when you struggle.  You are all so talented and so smart!  I am proud of you all, not only for your intellect and abilities, but also for your innate compassion and concern for those around you.  

But kids, I am saddened by how much FIGHTING is going on lately.  Fighting between you and your siblings and fighting between all of you and me.  I know that you are all approaching the "tween and teen years"--Dear Sage, although you're only nine, you challenge me better than I challenged my mom at thirteen!  I know that we have a long road ahead of us.  That road must be built on love and forged with trust.  I want to walk down our future road together united in the purpose of building strong family ties and lasting bonds.

That said, I know that things as they are aren't working.  I end up yelling.  A lot.  And loudly.  I say things that I shouldn't say and I know that you say things that you regret as well.  I think that maybe if we can all remember that this is our first go-round, we can forgive and learn and move on.  You all know that I love lists, and charts, and organizing things.  How many Chore Charts have we gone through?!  Well, here is one more list made with love.  I hope that you like it.

10 Things to Remember when dealing with your Mom

1.  This IS my first rodeo.  I may have taught children your age and baby-sat children your age, but I've never been so whole-heartedly invested in another child the way that I am with you.  

2.  I want things to go well for you.  I am not trying to make your life difficult, but sometimes the "path of least resistance" is the path not worth taking.

3.  I do know best.  I have been your age.  I have lived thirty-something years on this earth and in that time, have learned a thing or two.  Bennefit from my knowledge.

4.  I understand.  I was a kid, a tween, a teen.  I hated my teachers and my parents and felt like nobody understood what I was going through.  I felt alone.  I constantly thought the end of the world was just around the corner because of rumors and lies, or a friendship that ended, or something that I had said.  And while i didn't have to deal with "social media" and how nothing ever leaves the internet, I think we have forgotten that people rarely forget as well.  Just do your best and be kind.  That's all I ask.

5.  I want to be friends with you all when we are adults, but right now I have to be your parent.  That means that I will have to say no and do things that you think are unfair.  Know that it all comes from a place of love.

6.  I assign you chores to build character.  I want you to have a strong work ethic and a sense of responsibility.  I am not asking you to chip in around the house because 'I am lazy'.  I am asking you to do so because I don't want you to be.

7.  I constantly struggle between treating you like you should be treated for a child your age and treating you like the sweet-smelling, smiling, bundle-of-a-baby that I will always see you as in my heart.  Sometimes I am overprotective.  It is what it is.

8.  It is my job to prepare you for the world.  That means, as much as I want to hold you close and protect you forever, I know that eventually you will have to take those first steps outside the nest and make it on your own.  I want you to be ready for that day, but I also want to rail against it's arrival with every last fiber of my being.  Be patient with me.  

9.  I want you to question my rules.  I know that I am not always right.  I know that I make mistakes.  I don't think you should blindly follow anything, but at the same time, there are always other things to consider.  While I may not always be right, I might be right, right now.  Sometimes that has to be enough.

10.  I may try to be fair, but life isn't always fair.  Take your time with me and practice learning that at home.  It saves a lot of time and heartache in the real world.  Even though things may not always work out the way you want, and good doesn't always triumph over evil, you will always have your Mom in your corner.  Some days, that's all that matters.

Happy Fourth!

We molded our army from

Earth and clay

To stand up for our rights, to

Have our say

Everyday people

Pulling together

Embarking upon a journey

On which we would change forever

Politics aside, on this of all days

Let freedom ring for 

Eternity

Frustration

I am writing on behalf of my son. I have four children. My oldest son is an excellent student and a confident test taker, so I have never had a big issue with the end of grade testing and advancement system in place in most schools. I think they are ridiculous , but I didn't see the other side. His younger brother is now in 3rd grade and is also an excellent student. He too makes honor roll every semester. However, he has extreme anxiety over test taking which has worsened considerably with his impending first time with the EOGs. He has had constant headaches and stomach aches, to the point of throwing up. He is TERRIFIED that he will not pass, not because of any pressure we put on him (we are very supportive of our children), but because of the social ramifications. 

Is this the message we want to send to our children? That education is akin to punishment? As a former special education teacher, I know how important it is to make sure that the children meet their benchmarks and are demonstrating an understanding of the material. I think we are on overkill however. I remember the joy I had as a teacher, bringing my skills as an artist and writer into my classroom to excite my students to want to learn on their own. Now there is little to no creativity in the classroom. My children complain of being bored and having nothing but busywork and homework and tests. The fun and experiments and inspiration from the teachers are few and far between. Behavior problems and bullying are prevalent. Schools need to trust that their teachers CAN teach. They don't need to be micromanaged. Students like my third grader need to feel like school is a welcoming place, where they are encouraged through their difficulties and inspired to pursue their strengths. So many children need that from their teachers because that may unfortunately be the ONLY place they get that kind of feedback. They don't need to be reminded of yet another way they can fail. 

That brings me to my final thought. What is to become of the children who cannot pass these tests. What will it do to their self-esteem if they repeatedly fail? Will there be an increase in drug use, crime, and (God forbid) suicides? Is that the kind of society we are striving for? 

In our district they have assured us that a special committee will be formed to evaluate those that fail to determine if they can indeed pass on to the next grade. Why have the tests then? Why put the children through this ordeal? Why not have a committee present in each school or district that periodically evaluates each class/teacher and then especially the children in need. A committee that concentrates on ensuring that those students who are struggling are given the tools they need (tutoring, etc.) to ENSURE that all children progress in their grades. As a parent, I for one would be up for defraying the cost of such an undertaking through volunteering to be a tutor (rather than a test proctor for these exams). I for one would like the focus of our educational system to be back on instilling a love of learning. I think you will find that when the children love being at school and are interested in what is going on in the classroom that the major problems of today (behavior and bullying) will all but disappear. If they are having too much fun learning, they won't be looking for distractions. Real learning comes from a deep and personal commitment that is nurtured and encouraged. It cannot be forced and WILL NOT be brought about through punishment. 

For Oklahoma

When tragedy strikes we all do what we can to cope.   The recent events in Oklahoma brought me to tears.  My thought was to post this song on YouTube with some kind of link to the Red Cross to donate to the fund for OK, but I'm way too shy.  My thought now is to post this to my blog and to FB, in the hopes that maybe one of the singers with ties to OK can record it and use the proceeds to for the people of Oklahoma.  Please share this on, maybe somebody with more resources than me can help those people out.  Thank you !

For Oklahoma (OK)

We're OK

We will survive

We've got our love

Through the darkest night

Our hope and strength 

Will help us carry on

I'll take your hand

And you take mine

We'll work on through the lonely night 

And in the morn

We'll shine on like the sun

Cuz we're OK

We will survive

We've got our love

Through the darkest night

Our hope and strength 

Will help us carry on

Though to some we'll say good-bye

Our spirit cannot be denied

We'll pick up that flag

And keep on keepin' on

Cuz we're OK

We will survive

We've got our love

Through the darkest night

Our hope and strength 

Will help us carry on

Yeah, we're OK

We will survive

We've got our love

Through the darkest night 

With our hope and strength

We will carry on!

-written by Sarah Klapprodt

2nd Place: 'On Meeting God'

2nd Place: 'On Meeting God'