If You Want My Vote

An Open Letter to the Presidential Candidates

Dear Presidential Candidates,

I am the middle class.  I am the backbone of this country, the first to work in the morning and the last to leave at night.  I struggle and I fail and I succeed all for my family and friends.  I believe in my community and I believe in making the world a better place for my children.  I vote, I am active in my community and with my local charities.  I pay taxes. I support my children's schools and believe in the power of education.  I am an educated individual and am still paying off those student loans that got me here.

If you want my vote, don't make me promises.  Campaign promises are empty vessels.  Don't tell me everything that the other candidates have ever done wrong in their lives, in order to make your life look better.   We've all made mistakes.  I'm not free to cast the first stone, I'm sure you're not either.  Don't invest millions in television commercials, I'll just change the channel.  If you want my vote, leave your handlers behind and DO.  Don't tell me that you will change America; show me.  And without fanfare, without The Press.  The way that the rest of us do it.  Quietly.  If you are out there, practicing what you preach, The Press will find you.  If you are feeding the Homeless, if you are helping the Veterans, People will notice.  If you are getting your hands dirty instead of lining your pockets, People will notice.  If you want your words to matter, your actions must follow.  Anyone can preach, anyone can read a teleprompter and make empty promises.  Be real.  Break the mold.  Step out of the factory line of paid-for politicians and get back to the basics.  Our forefathers were not politicians.  They were farmers.  They were local businessmen.  They were Veterans.  They were not becoming public servants to make millions, they were doing it to help their neighbors.  To stand up for those of us that don't have a voice.  If you want my vote, make a change.  A significant change.  There is enough time, before November, for you to accomplish something magnificent.  Show me that you mean what you say when you say what you mean.  Do Good.  Like the rest of us.

#ifyouwantmyvote #electionyear #president #dogood #politics #realchange

Sunday Morning

It's been a rough week.  School vacation.  Rainy days.  Tween attitudes.  My toddler broke his collarbone after 10 minutes at a playground it took 20 minutes for us to WALK to (he was super brave though, and is healing nicely).

The kids have been on a permanent sugar-high since Easter.  I wake up morings to my older #blessings happily munching on candies that they share (now they share???!!!) with their younger siblings.  This morning my 14 month old started tantruming as he watched his sister eat a cupcake for breakfast.  That did it.  I have no idea how so much sugar has gotten in to our routine, or how and when I lost control, but things had to change.  Now.

I know my 14 month old.  A lovely banana or some hot cereal weren't going to fly since he saw the cupcake.  Alright, let's whip up some muffins.  Some fricken healthy ones.

Now, before I hear about the plethera of sugar substitutes out there that are NOT in my muffins (I was not going to run to the store), I also want to say that the cold-turkey plan for quitting sugar does not work in our familly.  I've tried it.  It's more of a headache than it's worth to me.  So, as of today, we will be gradually decreasing the sugar.  The more gradual and easy the transition, the more likely that they will HAPPILY welcome the new, healthier foods without protest.  You are more than welcome to disregard the sugar/sweetening suggestions in the recipe below and use your own.

Here's what I came up with this morning with what was available in the kitchen:

Toddlers-Can't-Tell Gluten-Free Veggie Muffins

1 3/4 C premixed Gluten Free Flour (I used Pillsbury brand)

1/4 C brown sugar 

2 TBSP raw honey

2 Tsp cinnamon

2 Tsp pumpkin pie spice (or allspice)

2 Tsp baking powder

1 tsp baking soda

pinch of salt

1 banana

2 C shredded baby carrots 

3/4 C cinnamon applesauce

1/2 C to 3/4 C vanilla or plain greek yogurt

4 Tbsp melted butter

1 Lg egg

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Combine all dry ingredients in a large bowl.  Set aside.  In a food processor (or I used my Ninja Blender), shred 2 cups of baby carrots.  Or you can use a hand shredder.  I didn't have time.  Reserve one cup of the "shredded" carrots.  With the other cup of shredded carrots, put back in the food processor (or Ninja) and add 1 banana and 3/4 cup of applesauce.  Puree until smooth. ****Disclaimer below******

Add egg, yogurt, honey, carrot/banana/apple puree and shredded carrots to dry mix.  Mix until blended, but do not over mix.  I used a spoon, not an electric mixer.  Mix should kind of be fluffy.

Spoon into paper baking cups in muffin tin.  Bake for 15 minutes, adding 3-5 minutes at a time, until toothpick inserted comes out clean.  Mine turned out perfectly at 15 minutes.

*****The title of this recipe, "Toddlers-Can't-Tell Gluten Free Veggie Muffins" CAN BE MISLEADING.  My 14 month old ate them gleefully.  My soon to be threenager ate happily for a few bites UNTIL HE BIT A SHRED OF CARROT, at which point dramatic gagging, tantruming, and an Apocolypse ensued.  Thus, the recipe was reworked to PUREE ALL VEGETABLES as to not leave ANY TRACE, after which, said toddler was a happy camper.

Live, Learn, Parent

I've seen first hand the destructive power of over-parenting, of micro-managing.  I've worked with people who can't function without somebody constantly rewarding and celebrating their EVERY move.  I've gone to school with people who couldn't choose a meal plan, let a lone a major, or a friend, without first checking in with Mommy or Daddy.   I have had friends who have been reduced to infants in early adulthood because their parents simply COULDN'T LET THEM MAKE A MISTAKE.  That used to be the exception, now it seems to be the rule.

Life is hard.  A friend recently said it best:

"Dealing with douchebags means you just gotta smile and be diplomatic...be the bigger person.  It's tough sometimes."

I think we have forgotten how to deal with being a society of diverse individuals and we are seriously impairing our children from having the ability to socialize and moderate their own emotions at all.  I am not a perfect parent, I don't strive to be.  It's the mistakes and how you handle them that shape who you are.  This is not meant to be a post on "How to Parent", merely an observation that I feel is long overdue.  First, let me throw this out there so that there is no question that I understand the struggles of being "different":  I suffer from mental illness.  A major one.  I've known dark places, and I've almost drowned in them.  I know the intimacies and realities of suicide.  I know how deeply words can hurt.  Part of my illness is extreme social anxiety.  As a child, it was debilitating.  But, just like everyone else, I had to learn how to make friends.  Just like everyone else, I had to deal with bullying, with difficult teachers, with making bad decisions like not doing my homework and skipping class.  But that was the point.  I had to deal with the consequences.  I had to interact with other human beings.  I had to learn to take shit and give shit when shit was necessary.  Dealing with things or people that are unpleasant sucks.  NOBODY enjoys it.  But that is the stuff that makes you stronger.

Technology is great.  It has helped our society in a lot of ways.  But in a lot of ways, it's hurting us.  Social media is replacing our need to connect with individuals on a human level.  To see the pain behind someone's eyes when they are telling you their feelings.  To watch their body language.  To take in someone's feelings and words and have them effect you in a wave of blinding emotion.  To know what to do with your eyes, your body, your words when someone in front of you is celebrating or suffering.  And the policing of social media is even worse.  I understand that bullyling is a problem.  IT ALWAYS HAS BEEN.  But having parents and schools press charges against children who are MAKING MISTAKES isn't going to solve anything.  Having an arrest record for the rest of your life because of a tweet you sent in middle school seems ridiculous to me.  We all make mistakes.  We are missing out on opportunities to have conversations, to teach coping skills, to model empathy, to teach our children to embrace their individuality and celebrate their diversity.  All of these adults swooping in and "saving" these kids that are being targeted from having to resolve issues with bullies is stunting them emotionally and giving all of the power to the bullies.  I have had a child who has experienced bullying.  I know the pain of watching your child hurt.  I did contact the school and keep records of the incidents, especially when it got physical.  But what I did more was TALK TO MY CHILD.  We discussed ways that they could deal with the bullying.  Things they could say.  Things that they could do.  We even had FUN coming up with come-backs and counter-insults.  The school's initial reaction was to "protect" my child by removing them from the situation entirely, yet leave the bullly in place to continue on.  That was unacceptable.  I empowered my child instead.  I helped my child learn to stand up for themself.  Dealing with that bullying was hard, it tore my heart out and pushed my limits as a Mom to not go out and turn "Mama Bear" on everyone involved.  It was hard.  Life is hard.  You have to go through the darkness to see the light.

We have to start letting our kids make mistakes.  My previous post about managing my children's social media lives is a perfect example.  I hate that I have to do it, but given all of the cyberbullying policies and arrests being made I felt that it was my only choice.  Still is.  And my kids are GOOD KIDS.  But, social media is permanent.  The things you post won't ever go away.  "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me" isn't the rule anymore.  Words can hurt.  Pictures can hurt.  Permanently.  Given that, I will continue to police what my children post, only to ensure that their future lives and chances (college, job), arent' ruined by something essentially childish and stupid.  What has come out of that is not resentment, but CONVERSATION.  Recently one of my kids was in a group chat where one "friend" was bullying a true friend.  My child came to me to ask about what they were planning to post BEFORE they posted it.  That brought us to a conversation about the topic of the bullying, about sticking up for your friends, about how to deal with a  bully (in this day and age), without condeming yourself on social media. 

I encourage my children to talk with their friends.  To be present with them.  To have actual conversations and not just tweet or chat or video chat on their phones.  Friendship is supposed to be the battleground for growing up.  Your friends are supposed to be able to tell you that an outfit is too revealing without it becoming "slut shaming".  Your friends are supposed to be the people that you tell secrets to, bounce ideas off of, cut loose with.  You're supposed to learn how to disagree with your friends.  How to handle conflict. It's all part of becoming who you are, of developing your personality, of creating your individuality.  If we as parents (and especially as schools) are going to over-parent these kids, what are we going to create?  For a preview, just look at what is going on in society around us.  It will get worse.  Unfortunately, we already have a generation out there that cannot even get their period without posting it on the internet for everyone to admire and tell them how incredibly talented and important they are.  Your validation needs to come from within.  Wanting to get good grades, make good decisions, be a good fricken person, that all comes from within.  Some people are going to like you.  Some people will not.  Life is knowing how to deal with both outcomes.

Phone Manners

Ok, so maybe the following is "a little much". It's certainly by far the most militant act I have taken thus far as a parent. My parenting style tends to float between my children living in a dream world democracy and a full blown dictatorship, depending on my mood swings. Not the best thing to admit, but I'm not a perfect parent. 

That brings me to the following. All 3 of our oldest children have iPhones (I know, bring on the drama😒).  For the most part, they are responsible. With 5 kids and the older ones going to practices, arranging rides, etc., having the phones got to be kind of a necessity.  Plus, we are in the techno age. They gotta learn sometime. Lately, however, there have been many more incidences of the children not answering when we call, missing our texts, things like that. They don't ever miss a call from a friend though. Hmmm...

We had rules for the phones originally. Spoken rules though, an "I'm going to take your word for it" approach.  I think we are ready for a contract now. Here's the rough draft:

So, kid, you want a cell phone?

1.  This phone is NOT to enable or further enhance your social media standing.  It is for us, as parents, to be able to get in touch with you AT ALL TIMES. 

2.  The only status updates, texts, or emails that should have TOP priority should be those from myself, your father, your teachers, and your coach.

3.  Do not under any circumstances ignore a text or call from me or your father. Ever. 

4.  If you are stranded in a ditch without phone service or the use of your hands (the only reason you should by ACCIDENT miss a communication from your parents), you will, in a timely manner (we are talking minutes...seconds even, not hours) return the text or call with adequate explanation as soon as possible. 

5.  You will not, under any circumstances, use this device to publicly humiliate, shame, or bully another individual whether you know them or not. 

6.  You will be smart and considerate when posting ANYTHING. 

7. Your father and I will be full (non-blocked) members of any sites you are on. 

8. Your father and I will know all of your passwords and screen names. 

9. We reserve the right to look through your phone AT ANY TIME FOR ANY REASON. Your phone is NOT A DIARY, everything you post is public. If you want a diary, I will get you a paper journal and a pen. 

10.  These rules will remain in effect until such time as you are able to take over the financial responsibility of your phone bill. Until that time, it is my job to guide you into becoming a socially responsible adult. 

"With great power, comes great responsibility"

-Voltaire 

Thoughts?

 

Wrestling My Muse: The Beauty in Procrastination

Wrestling My Muse: The Beauty in Procrastination: At this point, I have several things of importance hanging over my head.  I have a list of 20 or so churches that I am supposed to deliver f...

The Beauty in Procrastination

At this point, I have several things of importance hanging over my head.  I have a list of 20 or so churches that I am supposed to deliver flyers to.  I have my website to design and launch, the paperwork to incorporate my business needs to be filled out and filed, and a social media campaign to launch.  I have a half-dozen entries to finish for various writing and art competitions.  There's also the book(s) that are waiting patiently for publication, and I have to outline what I will be teaching in class next week.

Today, I thought that making up-cycled activity boards for my toddler and 1 year old far out weighed "that lot" by comparison.  The idea popped in my head from constantly looking (or trying not to look) at the disconfigured cardboard box in the corner of our livingroom that had, until last night, held every piece of mail that we had accumulated in the past year.  Hubby and I had had a mad, panic-driven dumpster dive of an evening trying to find the baby's social security card in order to file our taxes (I was SO SURE that I had filed it away).   Nope. It was in the box.

At any rate, there were two perfectly usable sides to that cardboard box that were serendipitously in the shape of tri-fold presentation boards.  Then I spied some colored popsicle sticks on the counter from a craft project last week.  And some feathers.  And aluminum foil...stickers...felt...and my trusty glue gun.  

For about 30 minutes, my toddler and I were a whirlwind of sticker backings and ribbon strips, feathers, foil, and string.  I dabbed glue here and there, smoothed out the foil, added a few spongy letters and numbers, and--Viola!--a learning and activity board for $0.

The kids explored them hapily, River pointing out to Torrin that there was an "O" in the name "Torrin" and that the Elmo stickers on Torrin's board were, in fact, River's.  All in all, I gained a happy 10 minutes of total free time upon completion of the boards, another 15 of partial free time (stating "take turns" to the boys with their boards), and then the shit hit the fan and I had to referee an all-out war over the scratch-board use on the baby's board. 

It was fun while it lasted.

Peace,

Sarah

Parenting, Real World Style

Welcome to "Real World Charlotte, NC"

This is the true story... of seven family members... picked to live in a house...work together and have their lives blogged... to find out what happens... when parents stop being pushovers... and start getting real...The Real World.

The above is (basically) the tag line from the original Real World. The one with Eric and Julie and the no-frills jobs and apartment, where the focus was on learning to live, not "how many people can fuck in the hot tub at one time while doing Jell-O shots". 

That said, Hubby and I were reminiscing about our childhoods, the good old 90s, and how we have such awesome work ethic compared to those kids of ours who "have it so easy" ( insert "I walked uphill in the snow both ways to school" joke here). 

After one particularly vicious eye-rolling and curse muttering show down over chores and responsibilities with our brood, we decided that, in our family of 5 kids (two of whom will be entering teenager hood shortly), things needed to change.  So, here goes:

First episode:  Chores No More

I am done with paying my kids for every chore they do around the house. I am also done with sticker charts, reward incentives, and bending over backwards to ensure that their fragile little egos are bubble wrapped in positivity no matter what the cost. I am done reading and re-reading parenting books and blogs and twitter feeds just so I can figure out why my moody 9 year old is upset that I wouldn't drive her to the mall and how I am failing to see the repucussions of denying her need to express herself via my credit card. I'm done listening to my boys complain every time I ask them to take out the trash, even though that has been their assigned and PAID chore every week for a year. I'm not even 40 and I'm burnt out on this parenting gig. I am a trained behaviorist, and it pains me to say this, but I think that by over analyzing and over compensating for every possible outcome in my kids' behavioral repertoire, I am ruining their chances of surviving in the real world. What I have learned, is that kids are HUMAN and all humans react differently, even to the same stimuli. That's why, you can have 2 kids with strict parents and one turns out to be a successful community minded citizen, and the other a crime statistic. Same thing can be said of parents that don't give their kids any boundaries. One kid will turn out fine, while the other remains in "arrested development". 

My kids ARE good kids and I am proud of them.  They get good grades, they are (mostly) respectful and age-appropriately responsible. And my husband and I are good parents. We try to set boundaries and stick by them. Sometimes we let the kids have too much freedom, but we are always trying to steer them towards being good citizens. The problem?  Between the over use of behavior incentive programs at school and sticker charts and reward systems at home, they are losing the ability to do things simply because they should, or they have to, or because it FEELS GOOD to do well. I'm finding that there is an expectation attatched to every action, a mind set of "Ok, I did that...now what did I earn."   I was finding that my "suggestions" (go read a book, watch your brother, clean your room) were being met with " how much will you pay me" and "what will I get if I do that". Not that I don't want to encourage a little good old fashioned entrepreneurship, but enough is enough. 

So, hubby and I decided we were going to kick it old school.  Chores will be done because they have to be done. Because we pay your bills, because we are a family, because people do things to help eachother in civilized society. Grades will be achieved because it FEELS GOOD to do well, not because you get $5 for each "A".  You will perform a technology-free activity because it's fun. 

Now, breaking the behavior-incentive mindset isn't going to be easy. My kids have been goal-oriented their whole lives. Go potty, you get a sticker (goal attained). Get straight on honor roll, you get cash (goal attained). And goals aren't bad, not at all. I just want to bring back the INTRINSIC need to do well. I really feel that that is a major problem right now in society. Too many are "in it to win it"-- if they aren't getting a prize, it's not worth their time. Where does that leave us?  How then do we fill the needs for volunteers, for helping the less fortunate, for chipping in when times are tough?  How do we create communities if we are all looking out for ourselves as individuals?  I'm not saying conformity, I'm saying community. I think it's time we move to the community mind set. 

Welcome to ours.